Here I am

Tiff---there is nowhere to comment on your blog! So I am saying hi here for now. :)


There is a lot happening, and a lot of nothing happening. I am taking Josiah out for his birthday on Friday...skydiving. If he doesn't go back to school this upcoming quarter, I don't think we'll last much longer. But if he does? Who knows.

Training my horse is going well...when eddie is helping. When he is not, I feel like what the hell am I doing owning a horse? Yesterday he didn't show up or answer his phone. yesterday, I thought, what the hell am I doing owning a horse.

But I love Jessa. I do. I'm there every day. It's just going to take time learning how to handle such a big, untrained horse.

I'm donating blood today. Hopefully, I don't pass out! ( I get close)

This morning I called the secret service. Oooo cool.

I slept for almost 11 hours yesterday. Never felt better. Except I need to pee.

I cant tell you how bad I want to have a drafting job at a firm.

I just cant begin to tell you.

What if I worked on a ranch? ( Id fall behind on bills :P)

Passion, thats what I need baby

I'm just a city girl, with a suburb type job, and a small town style horse.

I wear professional clothes to work, jeans and a beater to the farm with my horse, PJs at my place, and if I ever got out on the weekends, I would go out at night in style.

I never really see my boyfriend or my best friend/roommate. I don't ever see any of my other friends, or hear from them very often.

I really just want to go out and party right now.

Fuck this.

I guess it just would have felt nice to not have felt like a loser on my 21st birthday.

That's supposed to be the best party birthday ever.

And I tried. Really I did. But it would have been nice to have some friends there. Lauren came. So that was nice, thank God I was not alone. But out of the 20-30 people all pumped about taking me out for this birthday couldn't have given a shit when it finally happened. Oh yeah.

I feel fucking special.

I don't want to move to Colorado. Or California. Or fucking stay here.

I don't know what the fuck I want but I am not happy anymore. And I am sick of being negative, unhappy, anxious, worrying about jack shit.

cornered up

I feel like work isn't going well. I need to shape up.

Josiah and I kind of talked yesterday. Text. He was at work. Sort of talked on phone. I don't know. It's all a big mess. How?

Somehow, somehow, things are my fault, aren't they? I just don't noticing things happening unless they affect me. I'm just being selfish stupid ignorant ? I just can't change can I. I'm just going to go away now.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

We might see each other today. I don't know. I want to disappear. UH!

Horse. Jessa. Weighs on the back of my mind. Stable. Shots. Vet. Farrier. Training.

Appetite, where did you go?

the wrong thing to say

I love you, would that have been so wrong?

Cut open on the floor

3 days. It's been three days. Since I have heard his voice. Since..I don't know. He said he needed time. Just a little. 3 days feel more than a little. It feels like a century.

That can only mean one thing.

I have yet to figure out how to prepare for the worst. Just a swarm of anxiety.
Loosing appetite. Last night I ate more, and then almost threw up.

Why won't he even text me? He texted me a couple nights ago. He said...not talking to me sucks. ...Ok so DO something about it. Call me. anything. Text me more. Tell me you want me you love me can't live without me...

There is silence. Shhhhh can you hear it? Voooooid.

I don't text him. I must be strong enough not to. I left myself too vulnerable already. Practically cut my heart open for him and left it on the floor. He just keeps stepping around it every day...

The ups and downs (and downs and ups)

My acne? A complete disaster.

My relationship? A bigger disaster (hard to believe) (or no, wait, what relationship?)

My best friend (she resents me. As in she hates me, but still feels obligated to love me because we have been friends so long)

My car (going, going, gone...)

My contacts? (no longer in production. Only contact brand that has worked for me. I have tried every kind of contact since I was 13)

The positive:

My laundry (what laundry? All on hangers!)

My cat (squeaky bath, squeaky clean!)

My 5k today (Missing the start by 7 minutes, has a stitch the whole way through, but hell to it all, it was the best part of my day yet!)

My weight? Slimming (I guess that's what happens when so much anxiety makes you feel too sick to eat anymore)


...

But none of it really means anything, does it, when you can't love yourself anymore?


Oh God, I am so scared. So scared for everything. And buying a horse. What if I am a failure.

Want want want
I want

I need to stop wanting.

Selfish stupid lost little girl.

Where do I find myself now?

lost

Falling apart.

Josiah is.

Are we?

oh my gosh. did i tell you I am buying a horse?

I'm an intern!

Today is my first day as an intern.

I will be cleaning and organizing a plan room.

Oh, the joys.

Meshy is acting off, shutting me out. Josiah is down, shutting out of hope. Everyone is just blah and eh and shut out and I feel lonely now ...well, worse, I feel like I am not the kind of person someone can open up to. Or something. More that with Michelle. Josiah is just trying to not think about things, so he doesn't want to talk about them either...

whatever. point being. I feel shut out.

Michelle pretty much slammed her door on my face yesterday. I cleaned my room, reorganized it, the works...even vaccuumed! I sent her a text asking if she was ok...if she wanted to be left alone. No response. So i figured she wanted alone time. But then her sister came over later and they went to the gym! Snuck out pretty much without inviting me, and they always invite me when I am home...so what the hell? So I texted her later and first she said she just needed time with her sister then i was like ok so what about earlier...and she was like i just needed alone time...so then this morning she texts me that she didnt sleep well...but its like ok seriously what do you want me to say. you won't tell me whats going on? and maybe the text i sent back to her was a little to direct but damnit i feel useless.

so. in the meantime. I have the capabililty to throw myself in mounds of work...so tonight i am going to see how long I can stay at DCTC and work on that room and cleaning...sigh.


Michelle never even saw my clean room. I even moved the bed to the window and the dresser to the other wall...

I really only clean my room because I think it will please her. And whenever I do, she is always off in her own world, and it goes unnoticed! But when its dirty she will complain! ack!

today at the bank has been busy, but now its cooled off. so I am writing. and venting. i wish i could say hey im off in a little over an hour! but then. i am just off to my next job. which I am using to cover up my emotions because NOBODY IS OUT THERE ANYMORE!

Im moving to NY. Damnit. (Im kidding. right now)

The unmentionables drawer

What secrets do people usually hide underneath their spread of lacy bras and colorful panties? Perhaps...their comfortable sports bras and T.O.M. panties that only see the rump 12 weeks out of the year. And under all of that, are we hiding our...real...secrets...the kind of thing we just don't talk about because the store we bought them at we had to show an ID and prove that we truly were past puberty and knew about these "mysterious places"...are we hiding, dare I say it, well it isn't quite lotion and why on earth would I keep my batteries in that drawer?

Or...in my case...is it...

a box of Honey Graham Oh's Cereal...because after trying to hide my cereal of Honey Oh's in every other nook cranny cabinet closet drawer...to keep my roommate from eating it all in one crazy Honey Oh's binge....

The unmentionables drawer has become it's safest hiding place.

The count:

3 Days of safety



Will it last? Or will Michelle brave that mysterious unknown drawer of my panties and bras and...cereal